The Eternal Squabble

The Eternal Squabble

He was sitting in front of me. He was directly looking at my eyes. I was feeling uncomfortable. So I decided to break the ice.

“We need to talk.”

“Go on kid. I'm here to listen to you.” – His voice was commanding although he is my friend. In fact, he seems to be my only friend now-a-days. He always listens to whatever bullshit I talk about. The perks of having a friend who always appears before you whenever you need him, is inexplicable.

I know I'm losing control easily. I'm getting agitated at flimsy incidents. I do not anymore like the food made by my mother. I'm not actively participating in the sports debates which I used to crave for. Often I am seen sitting at my bed doing nothing.

“I don’t know where I'm headed towards. I'm confused.”– My voice sounded so gentle that I myself found it difficult to listen to.

“What are you confused about?” –I was surprised that he could listen to what I said.

“Everything.”

“Easy, chap. One by one.”

“Dude, she doesn't love me anymore.”

“Janvi? She never liked you. She was always waiting for someone better. I wish you could read her intentions. You could have found a better match for you in college.”

“What do you mean by someone better? Am I worthless?” –I was getting agitated although I was pretty sure that he was making more sense.

“Get over it, brother! You were in a relationship with a right girl at wrong time.”

“It’s not that easy for me. But how do you get over things so easily, dude? You too used to love Doyel. She dumped you. Don’t you get mad at her at times?”

“Why are we discussing this?” – For the first time I saw him losing temper.

“Don’t get me wrong. I just need to know the process. I may get helped.”

“OK but I guess we have already discussed this on multiple occasions. It was an incident back at school life. We were not matured. We didn't know how to protect a relationship. We used to quarrel on everything. But with immaturity, comes dependence. We were emotionally dependent on each other. We both feared that we might lose each other. She broke up with me when she became matured. She realized that she didn't anymore need me to be happy. That’s it.”

“You wanted to be a cricketer, if I'm not wrong. Don’t you hate yourself being an engineer?”

“Oh boy! You seem to be in some form today! – He poised for a few moments and then continued- “It’s good to dream. But at the same time you need to stay grounded. You can’t just ignore reality to chase your dreams. To be a cricketer was never a feasible option for me. And I don’t hate being an engineer. You can’t hate something just because that’s not your first choice.”

I knew the person sitting in front of me, is stronger than me in all aspects. He is realistic but I'm not. I always wanted to be a writer but was made an engineer, just like my friend. The problem with me is that I never learned to love something which isn't my first choice. There’s nothing wrong with the people who I misbehave with. It’s just me who cannot blend with people who don’t stay at the top of my priority list.

“I get that dude. But sometimes I feel terribly lost. Sometimes I don’t find anyone to share my feelings with. Sometimes..”

“Isn't it true that you always find me then?”

“Exactly. How can you always be conscious about me?”

“You think too much, dude. The less you think, the more you do. You can’t just sit idle for 24*7.”

“But you know that I'm still unemployed. Most of my friends are already employed. That fuels the inferiority complex in me. Do you understand?”

“Do you know what’s wrong with you?” –He seemed to be getting angry.

“What?”

“You expect too much. Just do your part of the play consciously. The rest you can never control.”

“So what do you want me to do?”

“Just let go of the expectations, my friend. Do whatever you want to do. Cry whenever you want to cry. Smile whenever you want to smile. You don’t need to conceal your emotions inside your polished clothes. Show people the real ‘you’. The more you become close to real you, the less you’ll need me. Have you ever thought why don’t you see me when you behave like yourself? Why don’t you need me when you are happy? Why don’t you wish I would be here beside you when you are busy doing things?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I..” – I was shaking my head like an insane. I could have fallen from my bed to the floor had my mother hadn't steadied me with her gentle arms.

I do not remember everything that followed this incident. My mother looked grim and nervous. Her hands were trembling for I don’t know why. With her was a person with an injection syringe in hand.

I heard my mother saying- “Please doc, please. Save my child with whatever you have got. I can’t stand and watch him decay like this.”

So the person with a syringe was a doctor who seemed familiar to me. I may have seen him before. Am I under treatment? What’s going on?

The syringe was soon applied on me. Everything went dizzy soon after that.

I heard the doctor saying to my mother- “Don’t worry. This happens to be a very common depression which doesn't last for long. You just have to treat him well.”

Moments before I lost my senses, I saw myself looking at me from the other side of the mirror glass. I saw myself smiling at me. Am I smiling? I heard myself saying to me-“Cool down, brother. Cool down. Don’t lose hope. Have faith in yourself. The more you believe in yourself, the less you’ll need me. I'm no more than the best of you. The day you’ll defeat the conflict hidden inside, you’ll see the true colour of you. Till then, hold on to what you have!”